Discipline & Complex Needs: Fair Doesn’t Always Mean Equal

Discipline. It’s one of those words that can feel heavy, especially when you’re raising a child with complex needs.

My son Elias is deaf and has additional needs that affect the way he communicates, processes the world, and responds to boundaries. And then there’s his younger brother, who sees and hears it all — the praise, the meltdowns, the moments when Elias gets away with things he wouldn’t.

I constantly ask myself: Am I being fair? Am I setting the right example?

But fairness in parenting doesn’t mean treating both children the same — it means giving each child what they need to thrive.

Why Typical Discipline Doesn’t Always Work

Many traditional discipline strategies are based on assumptions that a child can hear, understand abstract reasoning, and regulate emotions consistently. If your child has different processing styles or communication barriers, those assumptions fall apart.

In Elias’s case, moments of ‘non-compliance’ are often rooted in frustration, communication breakdowns, sensory overload, or a need for predictability. Punishment doesn’t teach — it escalates.

A SEND-Informed Approach to Discipline

Here are some key principles supported by SEND specialists:

Behaviours are communication.

Whether it’s running off, screaming, or throwing — these aren’t “bad behaviours.” They’re signals that something isn’t right. (easier said than done)

Regulate before you educate.

Calm brains learn. Flooded ones can’t. Helping Elias regulate through sensory play, deep pressure, or calm signing often comes before asking what happened.

Accessible communication matters.

Discipline is ineffective if it isn’t understood. Use BSL, visual aids, or total communication strategies to explain boundaries clearly.

Collaborate on solutions.

Instead of time-outs, we use “time-ins” — moments where I sit with Elias and use signing, visuals, or physical reassurance to help him reset.

The Sibling Struggle: How Do You Explain the Difference?

This is the hardest part: my younger son sees that Elias doesn’t always get the same consequences. He’s starting to question it. And one day he's going to outright challenge this perceived inequality .

When this happens, I will try to gently narrate the situation:

“Elias has a different way of learning. His brain works a bit differently, and sometimes he needs help to calm down before we talk. You both have boundaries — we just support you in different ways.”

I want to raise children who are emotionally intelligent and compassionate. I believe those lessons start here.

What We’re Trying at Home

• Visual boundaries: We use signs, pictures, and gesture-based prompts so Elias understands what’s expected.

• Role play with toys: Helps both boys practise taking turns, saying sorry, and calming down routines.

• Emotion cards and mirrors: Especially important for deaf children, who don’t always have incidental access to others’ emotions.

• Reinforcement, not punishment: When Elias cooperates, stays safe, or shares — we celebrate it together.

Resources That Help

1. The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene

2. Cerebra’s Parent Guide: Managing Challenging Behaviour

3. NDCS – National Deaf Children’s Society: Parenting Resources

4. Scope’s helpline – emotional support for parents of disabled children

5. Challenging Behaviour Foundation – practical strategies and peer support

In the end, parenting Elias means constantly adapting. It means forgiving myself for the occasional inconsistency. It means explaining to his brother that love sometimes looks different, but never less.

Discipline in a SEND household isn’t about fixing a child — it’s about honouring their needs, teaching over time, and keeping the relationship at the heart of it all.

Some days we get it right. Some days we just get through. And both are okay.