The Good Cop/Bad Cop Dynamic: Advocating for Our Child's Complex Needs

Advocating for a child with complex needs can feel like you’re constantly lost in a labyrinth of appointments, assessments, and interventions. Amidst all the professionals involved in their care, from therapists to educators to medical specialists, parents often find themselves playing various roles to ensure their child receives the best support possible. One of the dynamics that has emerged for our family, is that of good cop/bad cop.

My partner and I have become extremely familiar with this dynamic as we navigate the intricate web of advocating for our child's complex needs. While it may seem cliché, the good cop/bad cop approach has become an essential strategy in our advocacy toolkit, allowing us to balance assertiveness with empathy in our interactions with professionals.

I naturally gravitate towards the role of the kind and empathetic advocate (I like to be liked by authority figures!). I strive to maintain positive relationships with the professionals involved in our child's care, fostering open communication and collaboration. However, there are moments when frustration and disappointment bubble to the surface, prompting a shift in dynamics.

While I am absolutely capable of being assertive and fighting for my child’s care, and have done fiercely and without hesitation, there are times when I am acutely aware that the person I am annoyed with is a permanent fixture in Elias’ care, and I am very conscious of how we maintain a good relationship in the future if I call them out or criticise them. That's where my partner steps in as the "bad cop." When emotions are running high and the need for assertiveness arises, he takes the lead. It's a role he embraces wholeheartedly, knowing that sometimes tough love is necessary to effect change.

He still wants me to be able to express my frustrations authentically, but recognises my hesitation to burn a bridge with someone who will also need to be an advocate for Elias. So, in these situations, when I find myself teetering on the edge of anger that something isn’t being done fast enough, or someone isn’t taking my request seriously, he encourages me to write exactly what I want to say and he will be the "face" of it. He is happy to be the parent our professionals don’t want to deal with. This allows me to maintain my role as the "nice" one while still advocating effectively for our child - this also means that when I do get angry over something it feels so much more impactful.

Navigating the complicated landscape of advocating for a child with complex needs often requires parents to adopt a number of strategies to find the dynamic that works for them. I know that not everyone is in a position to play these roles, and equally, some people may not have an issue calling out behaviours like I do, and I respect that wholeheartedly! But for us, by leveraging our respective strengths and temperaments, my partner and I have found a balance that allows us to advocate effectively while maintaining positive relationships with the professionals involved in our child's care. Through open communication, empathy, and assertiveness, we continue to champion our child's rights and needs every step of the way.