Comparison: The Thief of Joy in Complex Parenting

They say, "Comparison is the thief of joy." And as a parent of a child with complex needs, this phrase feels more like a life lesson learned on repeat. There’s this constant temptation to look at other kids – whether on the playground, at family gatherings, or even online – and feel the pang of comparison. You see the milestones, the milestones your child might not be hitting, and suddenly, what could have been a moment of celebration turns into one of self-doubt, frustration, and even grief.

But the truth is, even kids without complex needs are different. Every child has their own unique timeline, their own story, their own strengths and quirks. But still, it’s so hard not to compare. So, why do we do this to ourselves?

The “Milestone Trap”

For parents of kids with complex needs, the “milestone trap” is everywhere. You hear parents talking about their child's first steps, their first words, their latest accomplishment in school. It can feel like a gut punch when your own child’s journey doesn’t look the same. It’s not just a matter of pride or competition – it’s the world’s reminder of just how different your journey is. And that hurts. It’s okay to admit that it hurts.

But here’s the thing we sometimes overlook: even among typically developing children, timelines vary! Some kids walk at nine months; others at eighteen. Some start talking in full sentences before they turn two, while others might be more reserved. Each child is different, and those differences don’t make them any less incredible.

The Social Media Mirage

If you’re a parent in the digital age, you know what it’s like to scroll through social media and see a feed full of perfectly curated family moments. "Look at my kid winning an award," "Here’s our family holiday," "First day of school pics." It’s almost designed to make us feel like we’re not doing enough, that we’re somehow missing out. But what we don’t see are the struggles, the hard days, the meltdowns, the unspoken challenges that every family faces. Social media is a highlight reel, not the full picture.

In the world of complex parenting, we don’t always get as many “highlight reel” moments. And maybe that’s what makes our journey even more special. We learn to find joy in the small victories, to appreciate the moments that don’t look as polished or Insta-worthy.

Choosing Your Own Joy

Here’s the hard-won wisdom I’ve gathered along this journey: we are our children’s biggest advocates and cheerleaders, but we also need to be our own. That means letting go of the pressure to measure up to someone else’s journey and focusing on our own child’s unique path.

It means celebrating every victory – big, small, and everything in between. It means accepting that different doesn’t mean less. It means knowing that joy can come from unexpected places, from milestones that may not appear in a baby book but are just as worth celebrating.

A Community of Strength

In complex parenting, we learn that we’re not alone in feeling this way. If comparison is the thief of joy, community can be its antidote. There are other parents who get it, who know what it’s like to walk this path. Lean on them. Share your struggles, your victories, and even your quiet moments of joy. When we lift each other up, we find strength we didn’t know we had.

So, let’s remind ourselves: our children are on their own timelines, and so are we. We’re not here to measure up to anyone else. We’re here to love, support, and celebrate our kids for exactly who they are, complex needs and all. And that, my friends, is where the real joy lives.